I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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