he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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