Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
