I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
