Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
