highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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