Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
