My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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