Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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