drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
BRING THE BAGELS
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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