Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
