No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We are all done wearing pants today
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
