What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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