I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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