i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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