Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
