I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
