I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
