Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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