there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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