I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he was CRYING into my vagina
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
