I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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