Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
