my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
