At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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