so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
