when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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