im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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