Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
