This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
