Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
