yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
