hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
