The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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