you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
