Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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