Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
