omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
