I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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