the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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