So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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