Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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