my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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