If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
