Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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