i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
