my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
