whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't deserve a penis
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
