I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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