Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
