So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
