Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
