My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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